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Thursday, January 08, 2009
(Denver Post) Hero School teaches elementary school students that there's "no such thing as a free lunch" (28)
(Abc.net.au) Stupid In a real pisser, Australian health agency proposes to reduce drunkeness by removing all the taxes on light beer (13)
(CBS New York) Asinine After solving all of the city's other problems, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg invests $12M to make the city the "wedding destination of the world" (35)
(Reuters) Dumbass Man disguises 21yr old girlfriend as grandmother to make huge bank withdrawal, would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those pesky follow-up calls (35)
(The Newspaper) Unlikely State says it was an "accident" that the intersection's yellow time was shortened 1.5 seconds just four days after signing a red light camera contract (70)
(KGTV) Strange Dude calls 911, says he had too many screwdrivers and is in a dumpster. Police search for guy who was stabbed by screwdriver and dumped in trash bin. Then it gets more confusing (42)
(CNN) Asinine What do you think happens when you're black and the son of a Major League baseball player and you're coming home from a late-night run to Jack in the Box and a cop thinks you stole a car? (327)
(WTMJ) Scary Woman trapped in bathtub for 4 days. "The woman's condition was not available." Submitter's not a doctor, but I'm going to guess "wrinkly" (38)
(Fox News) Cool New French parking meters automatically call the cops when the time expires, then texts you to tell you that you've got a ticket, adding "Le HA-HA" (76)
(ABC News) Obvious Baskin Robbins, whose large Chocolate Oreo® Shake contains 2600 calories, including 1220 from fat, feels requirement to list this at order counter "would unfairly burden its franchisees" (214)
(AP) Obvious EPA concerned that there might be too much drinking water in your rocket fuel (29)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop what this young man is looking at (81)
(CBS Minneapolis) Obvious The economy is so bad that people are stealing flat screen TVs out of ice fishing shacks (53)
(JSOnline) Dumbass You've been stealing natural gas for 32 years without getting caught? Wow. I'm not even mad. That's amazing (96)
(Some Guy) Asinine Teacher who was taught to "remove all distractions" punished a 6-year-old autistic student by making the girl take her shirt off in a classroom (119)
(Daily Mail) Followup Another day, another crazy person trapped under mountains of crap in her own home (40)
(Merced Sun-Star) Weird Even if you're not a teacher, it's probably a bad idea to ask three 8-year-olds to shave your beard (39)
(Des Moines Register) Fail Would-be robber threatens clerk with pepper spray, squirts himself in the face, runs off (34)
(Forbes) Interesting Alabama begins voluntary program to remotely cut your AC when it is hottest. What could go wrong? (154)
(Newsday) Obvious Newsday reports on new trend where you save money buying and cooking your own food instead of going to T.G.I. Fridays 7 days a week. Americans confused, ask for clarification (221)
(The Chattanoogan) Dumbass Apparently, one of the perks of being a Chattanooga cop is you get to rough up elderly Wal-Mart greeters who ask to check your receipts when you trigger shoplifting alarms (252)
(Drew) FarkBlog Update from Drew: Fark's a category on Jeopardy on Fri Jan 9th and the 10th Anniversary Fark Party may happen in extra cities (bumped) (370)
(MSNBC) Stupid MSNBC declares trendy sex over (299)
(Seacoastonline.com) Scary Landlord: "Nobody brings a hatchet and wears rubber gloves to discuss rent at that hour of the morning" (79)
(Fox News) Florida Reality show psychic detective announces she discovered the body of Caylee Anthony, just a little later than everyone else (88)
(Hot Air) Asinine Egypt to Iranian news agency: Please don't run advertisements offering a $1 million bounty for killing our president. Kthxbye (66)
(TC Palm) Florida Mary Kay saleswoman leaves free sample on Florida porch (237)
(Reuters) Dumbass Less than 36 hours after being rescued from the water, yachtsman has to be rescued again. Perhaps "yachtsman" isn't the best title; he should consider "water enthusiast" (32)
(TC Palm) Florida Mor floriduh adalts lak baysick reeding skilz than nahshewnal ahvarage (99)
(AP) Asinine Centers for Disease Control warns 42 unamed states of a salmonella outbreak. Everybody in 42 states panic (93)
(Some Guy) Amusing City's $10 million state of the art civic information line is jammed by callers asking for fashion tips and help setting up satellite radio (37)
(Sky News) Interesting Squirrels now burning down the houses of British politicians (31)
(Globe and Mail) Amusing Cold war breaks out between Winnipeg and Ottawa over who has the most ice (110)
(News.com.au) Unlikely Serial streaker claims his indecent exposure "just happens". Apparently, so does getting listed on the sex registry (43)
(Local6) Florida Oh say can you see / in the dawn's early light / what so proudly we hail / when you're hopelessly floating / and the cellphone's faint glare / gets you spotted from the air / gave proof through the night / and we rescued you there (45)
(Jalopnik) Cool Buick shocks young people, builds car that doesn't smell like grandma's purse (321)
(Canoe) Dumbass Greyhound bus mistakenly leaves a couple of passengers at a rest stop. Usually they do a head count, but apparently it's not unusual to come up one short (59)
(Daily Mail) Strange Slow news day: 69 members of a family all live on the same street (78)
(Canoe) Spiffy After careful review, British Columbia decides that marrying a bunch of 15-year-olds is sort of weird (73)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Man shoots pond dozens of times, vomits, then feels better (31)
(TBO) Florida Not News: Some guy steals a chair from a restaurant. Fark: Restaurant web site openly mocks you with surveillance video (60)
(London Times) Spiffy You can find anything with Google - Even child kidnappers (56)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Cool Woman survives falls in her driveway in freezing cold; internal temperature of 60 degrees: "I'm a good old Norwegian" (43)
(Bloomberg) Scary The Bank of England has cut its interest rate to its lowest point since 1694. No, that's not a typo (99)
(Yahoo) Obvious Sheriff locked in his own jail by federal judge for failing to meet even the basic nutritional needs of his prisoners. Probably just a coincidence that AL law lets sherriffs pocket any money they have left over in the prisoner food fund (155)
(ABC News) Obvious Ric Romero rings in the New Year with a resounding facepalm: "if you owe a lot of money on your credit cards or have other outstanding bills, it pays to have a strategy when paying off your debts" (125)
(Guardian.com) Scary Everybody needs a flu buddy. Have you picked your flu buddy yet? (67)
(Stuff) Dumbass You're having a fight with your girlfriend. Do you a) yell at her, b) smack her, or c) yell at passersby to "watch this" and throw her off a bridge? (197)
(BBC) Cool Obama to be hung on inauguration day (233)
(Toledo Blade) Fail Burglar calls cab for ride home with the fruits of his labor: three flat-screen TVs and some boxes of liquor. Offers to pay cabbie with some of his loot because he lost his wallet. Well, not lost, left at the scene (23)
(The Virginian Pilot) Fail Officer felt he had no choice but to use his taser on brain damaged woman with a hula-hoop (245)
(BBC) Unlikely USA to lead new international force to combat piracy off the coast of Somalia. Because if anyone has a track record of success in Somalia, it's the USA (143)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Spiffy Chicago History Museum will display a version of the Gettysburg Address handwritten by Lincoln; the exhibit will be open four score and seven days before moving on (58)
(Some Guy) Dumbass If you want the ring you gave your fiancee back just ask, don't try to bite her finger off (47)
(Some Guy) Fail Today's "how could you not know you was pregnant?" article brought to you by Newfoundland. It's like Canada's Florida (238)
(NYPost) Strange New Yorkers paying hypnotist hundreds of dollars for a trance to feel like they're rich, ignore those pesky TPS reports (63)
(NYPost) Strange The story of the perv behind Barbie (54)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this tentacular scene (42)
(CNN) Scary If you're a woman in rural Papua New Guinea, make sure you don't weigh more than a duck (180)
(News.com.au) Sad Woman dies after goldmine fall. AU NOES  T-Shirt (91)
(USA Today) Scary Minutes before the plane landed, a man jumped up, screamed "I've got a bomb" and lunged for the exit door. Passengers go all Flight 93 on his ass (186)
(NYPost) Obvious If you accidentally run over a mafia boss' son, you stand a good chance of accidentally falling into a vat of acid (105)
(CNN) Scary Three rockets fired from Lebanon have struck northern Israel, wounding two and opening the dreaded Hamas-Hezbollah-Israel Threeway War (645)
(National Post) Asinine Court orders man to continue paying child support to kids that DNA testing conclusively proved weren't his, because he started to do so on the assumption that they were (471)
(Live Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this fabulous painting (70)
(Some Guy) Obvious "Anyone who has ever entered a pub only to be driven out by a group of middle-aged divorcees wailing the approximate tune of "I Will Survive" would say karaoke is one of the most infernal devices ever devised by humans" (120)
(SFGate) Followup Riots begin in Oakland. In other words, it's Wednesday night (466)
(Yahoo) Obvious Do not taunt Happy Fun Panda (65)
(Des Moines Register) Amusing Businessman uses store sign to call mayor "lieing little Nazi turd" among other things. Surprisingly, City Hall has a problem with this (50)
(Independent) Amusing Celebrity gossip is the opiate of the masses and the junkies are on the market for a new pusher (48)
(Canada.com) Silly Happy-lyric techno CDs for dogs becomes latest craze in pet care. Your dog wants a glow stick (42)
(CBS Sacramento) Followup The officer who shot an unarmed man in the back on New Years Day has resigned... which means he won't face an internal affairs investigation (327)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 192: "Money Shots". Details and rules in the first post. LGT next week's theme (129)

Wednesday, January 07, 2009
(Some Guy) Asinine Chuck E. Cheese, where a kid can record a fight and post it on YouTube (99)
(AJC) Stupid Laundromat robber says "That was farking stupid. I'm out here banging on a freaking damn washer for a felony. Damn" (26)
(Copenhagen Post) Scary Headmaster of a school in Denmark publicly admits he would refuse Jewish parents' wish to place their child at his school (205)
(The Sun) Weird A wind turbine stands wrecked with one of its giant 65ft blades torn off - after it was hit by UFO (159)
(CNN) Stupid A projection of how gray Obama's hair may be in 2013. It's not news, it's CNN (163)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man "arrested on suspicion of using a laser pointer on a deputy" (63)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Local laundromat finalist in America's Most Progressive Coin Laundry contest. In other news, there's an America's Most Progressive Coin Laundry contest (49)
(UPI) Interesting New study finds that Canadians think French, but act American (90)
(Yahoo) Scary Do not park in front of this guy's house unless, of course, you're into chainsaws (78)
(LiveLeak) Amusing Henry Rollins is in love with Ann Coulter (204)
(Jacksonville.com) Florida Please help farker Eeek win the Jacksonville Looks at Animals photo contest. Please vote, DIT (87)
(Google) Photoshop Photoshop this protected pair (58)
(Click On Detroit) Sad Third-World elementary school pleads for toilet paper, light bulb donations to stay open. Send contributions to Academy of Americas, Detroit, MI (146)
(NYPost) Interesting Phase 1) Donate kidney to wife. Phase 2) Catch wife cheating on you. Phase 3) Profit? (169)
(Gawker) Caption The surviving former presidents met with Bush and Obama today. Caption this photo op (259)
(Denver Post) Followup Photographer's job on the line after "unVailing" skiier (127)
(News.com.au) Dumbass US Army apologises for mistakenly sending 7,000 "Dear John" letters (78)
(Daily Mail) Stupid If you're planning a school sports day to forge new links between deaf and hearing pupils, step one would surely include not relying solely on a PA system to run the events (71)
(News.com.au) Strange ♫ ♪ I said do you speak-a my language? He just smiled, and made me a vegemite sandwich, and then a man from the government told him that he wasn't allowed to do that any more because it has too much salt in it ♫ ♪ (204)
(TC Palm) Florida Man demands car keys, bites woman on elbow to prove how serious he is (37)
(Yahoo) Weird Mexico launches War on Gum. Sounds silly until you realize the average square yard of sidewalk in Mexico City has 70 discarded pieces of gum stuck to it (126)
(Google) Interesting Colombian coffee growers to sue Mother Goose over "there's a little bit of Juan Valdez in every can" cartoon (75)
(Some Guy) Ironic Not news: Woman caught shoplifting. News: While shopping with her two young children. Fark: She stole the book "101 Ways to Be a Great Mom" (62)
(Some Guy) Hero Student creates beer flavored popcorn (106)
(Daily Herald) Asinine Utah senate president thinks "children shouldn't be allowed to see liquor bottles or drinks being poured," files for Nanny State status (295)
(WAVY) Asinine School orders 8th-grader to shave his head because stars are apparently "gang symbols." Paul Stanley surrenders (123)
(MSNBC) Silly Edward Scissorpaws beats out Sir Lix-a-lot and Optimus Prrrime for weirdest cat name for 2008. It's not mews, it's Fark.com (269)
(MetroWest Daily News) Stupid Man forced to resign after woman accuses him of sexually harassing her by looking at porn after going home from work (152)
(SFGate) Stupid Book links the assassination of JFK, RFK, and MLK. Profiles a single shooter with a hatred of last names that start with K (91)
(Haaretz) Dumbass French TV: uh, we made a "mistake". Those photos of dead Gaza citizens we showed you, yeah well those actually were killed by Hamas in 2005, and not by the Israeli Air Force last week (339)
(WBBM) Strange How much would 300,000 pennies weigh? 1842 pounds. OK, how would you steal them? (102)
(Some Guy) Amusing Man dances naked in front of police with "strategically placed" sock. Surprisingly, alcohol was a factor (42)
(Some Guy) Hero Sixth grader, home alone with sister, stops series of burglaries. Macaulay Culkin impressed (62)
(MSNBC) Dumbass Best-selling "Conversations With God" author has blog yanked after site discovers he's been stealing his heartwarming anecdotes (137)
(Toronto Star) Asinine Not News: Man buy scratch and win lotto tickets. News; Man wins $135,000 Fark: "Not so fast, there was a printing error we're not paying" Lottery Corporation (136)
(The Register) Amusing Horse faced git is upset that someone on the internet keeps calling her a horse faced git (170)
(Belleville News-Democrat) Dumbass Man gets tipsy before boarding plane in St. Louis, jokingly says nine magic words to flight attendant that land him in solitary confinement for over three days (121)
(Fox News) Unlikely Milwaukee investigators find no connection with any missing child cases despite a deathbed confession, newly poured cement in the basement, elevated dirt piles in the yard, bondage devices, child porn and news articles about missing children (47)
(Daily Mail) Stupid Nanny State turns single father with two kids away from swimming pool because he doesn't have a nanny (79)
(Fox News) Weird Five ways the world could end, not including global warming. EVERYBODY PANIC (191)
(WTOP) Obvious Slow news day: brilliant new method to save both calories AND money. Hint: starve (83)
(The Age (Melbourne)) Fail Art gallery puts on show for abstract paintings, only later discovering that artist is 22 months old (229)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this enormous floating platform with spheres (49)
(Chicago Tribune) Asinine Chicago Public Schools manager spends $70,000 of district's money for 30 cappuccino machines. When I was a kid, we had to walk 5 miles uphill to get to school, and we didn't get delicious Italian beverages (59)
(CBC) Obvious Quebecois Black community: "Nous désapprouvons votre shennanigans" (140)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass If you're a funeral home, it's bad enough that you bury the wrong guy, but you're not going to make things better by trying to dig him up in secret and rebury the right coffin (36)
(Hartford Courant) Cool Woman finds 139 year old baseball card, along with gum hard enough to cut a diamond (110)
(Daily Mail) Weird A story about a home filled with stinking trash? Check. An eccentric hoarder? Check. Dying from thirst after getting lost in a labyrinth of filthy garbage. Check (95)
(NYPost) Strange Men dress as Hasidic Jews to rob diamond wholesaler. That would make a pretty good movie scene (157)
(Lancashire Evening Post) Stupid Nanny state wins another battle. Now bouncy castles are banned (91)
(Daily Mail) Cool The coolest model of a Lancaster bomber made out of POW camp scraps you'll see, well, probably ever (66)
(Some Guy) Strange Naked mixed-martial arts fighter wanting to practice his sport with strangers in a Wal-Mart parking lot knew he could find somebody if he were nude (58)
(Boston Globe) Scary Casualty figures from the Boston 2009 ice storm: tons of bruises, a few sprains, one concussion, and a broken ass (42)
(Fairbanks Daily News-Miner) Dumbass When out at a nightclub, there's only one thing dumber than pissing off the bouncer (80)
(SMH) Amusing Group of Australian students can now add "research good enough to scam millions from NASA" to their resumes (27)
(My San Antonio) Hero State to update slogan from 'Don't Mess with Texas' to 'We Warned You' as homeowners gun down would-be burglars at record rate (856)
(Stuff) Dumbass It's time for some more Fark™ sartorial advice; "Don't show up for court wearing a tshirt emblazoned with instructions on avoiding the police" (24)
(USA Today) Obvious Teen birth rates are up in 26 states. The other 24 are putting in overtime, still counting (163)
(International Herald Tribune) Weird Problem: Britain's red squirrels are dying off. Solution: Eat the grey squirrels, thereby reducing the competition (76)
(The Sun) Strange Ever look at a can of hair spray and think to yourself, "I wonder if that will fit in my ass"? If so, then you and this lady will get along just fine (149)
(AP) Dumbass Man sues his former wife for putting a recording device in a teddy bear. Teddy Ruxpin unavailable for comment (39)
(BBC) Spiffy Israel eases up, says it will only bomb the crap out of Gaza for 21 hours a day (756)
(The New York Times) Interesting Barbie turns 50, finally accepts she will die childless and alone (69)

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